The Making of Bridezilla Part 2

How I came to be a paranoid bride. You know how they say, "Don't have a wedding. Just register and go for a honeymoon" Dips to whoever who said that. It's true. BUT. I wanted a wedding, to walk down the aisle with your soul mate.

See this man up there. Well, he completes me. And though we went through several of shit holes together, it's all okay. Because there is love. So how did I start my paranoia. As far as I can remember, the dil spoke to the hubs telling him that when we said we wanted to get married, he wanted a Chinese Wedding. Followed by my mil coming to me telling me to tell the hubs I wanted something, when I really did not want it. Plus, my dad trying to play the nice guy didn't help to back us up and mom there being nice but also playing the gasoline/charcoal adding person. To add on, dad's affair came to light. My heart broke. Not because I didn't already know, but because it was painful to start afresh when your past pulls you back. It was like struggling between turning left or right, whichever was the lesser of two evil. There was no way out. I wanted to seek comfort with my parents when the dil and mil were pressuring me to do things I didn't want to, I wanted the hubs to know yet was too afraid he'd be pissed. It was like a stand alone game. Mom and dad were not getting along. Hubs was moody all the time and dil and mil was adding on to my constant migraine. This developed into lack of sleep, chest pains, migraines and a whole lot of dip shit I don't even want to mention. Work was a B**** when the boss did not pay on time, and when the wedding was pulled forward...OMG. Financially we were drained. Closer to the wedding, my relationship with the dil and mil worsened drastically. We were different people from very different era, and I could not accept that they were different from the people I once knew. Mom and dad on the other hand improved in their relationship (but I still cannot sit in a room with them for more than half and hour without getting frustrated which is a lot better than the 15 minutes mark I used to give) and the hubs, I could see was tired from all the drama, pressure and annoyance. In return, we spoke less, he was moody most of the time which made me moody most of the time. He'd get annoyed at me for getting paranoid, but he couldn't see my POV. I knew things he didn't. My frustration worsened every time I got a FB message, or a secret come to the room session, plus they weren't the most pleasant to my parents. My fault too. I should have said it out. But watching a child fight with his parents because of his wife is something no woman should ever do to her man. I've watched my parents go through that, and how their marriage failed miserably. I was not going to allow my marriage to follow their footsteps before it even started. The hubs started getting annoyed at me claiming I was trying to control him and he felt suffocated. I felt suffocated too. Honestly, at that point...I wanted to just call off the wedding and just take a breather. (Hubs..if you're reading this, I am sorry and it won't happen again. No more secrets.) To control my anger, my frustration and the stress that was suffocating me, i turned to my pain killers. It made me numb. I took it whether or not ming li was here. Not much but 2-3 pills a time every 1-2 days. Did it for almost two weeks and I got scared when I woke up one night, sweating and gasping for air. I looked at you, and you were sound asleep (snoring actually). I kissed you and told myself, never again. Bride's don't normally turn into bridezilla. They are forced into bridezilla. I know that now. And I apologize for the judgmental attitude I once had to bride's who whine and complain.

The making of BRIDEZILLA (Yup! That's me!)

It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon on the 5th of October 2013, when the car broke down. Little did I know, my boyfriend at that time who is the man I call my husband today was nervous not because the car broke down, but he was going to propose just minutes away.

It was the sweetest proposal ever and also my very first time seeing him that nervous. Plus, he literally stuffed the ring in my hand because he was trembling. I remember celebrating with good people that day, and rocking in the chair in Alexis like a crazy person beaming with joy. Finally! I thought to myself. The man I want to spend the rest of my life with. And so the making of Bridezilla starts......................... First it was the parents meet up that almost gave me a panic attack. And before you know it, you just realize that your wedding will never truly be your wedding. That will come later part in the adventure of Bridezilla. First step: Wedding photo hunting. Finding that "perfect" bridal shop. We went to the wedding fair, and people were just hounding us. You couldn't walk two steps without them literally blocking your path. We, were just too annoyed to walk any further and decided to stop at one shop (and commit to it due to what we thought at the time "pleasant customer service relationship and perfect portfolio) IT WAS A NIGHTMARE. More to come later part. The name of this bridal house: VENUS SIGNATURE BRIDAL HOUSE. From JB, just opened up in KL.(SS2 to be precised)

Their portfolio was absolutely amazing. Note: WAS. As any sales person would do, the would promise you the world, but deliver close to nothing. Anyway, on the day we decided to commit to them, we were having a parents meeting earlier. And that was how the drama evolved. What I couldn't see was that my in-laws, were very traditional individuals. Slightly forceful, and my parents (Dad to be specific) is this guy who tries to "accommodate" too much. Well, he has always loved playing the good cop. So before the parents meeting, the hubs and I discussed with him on a few traditions that we'd truly like to avoid. To our dismay, he complied with the in-laws which put us in a very difficult position. I cried like a baby as we stormed off to the bridal house. I mean honestly, who wouldn't be pissed. We said no teapots and crap. And he did not object, nor agree...WHICH ALSO MEANT HE AGREED. The hubs and I were upset, lost and very very pissed. It wasn't a very good day that day. I remember getting frustrated and learning the roots of my in laws that I found hard to digest, due to the upbringing I was from. The worst part was the man we both loved, (the in laws and I) had to be in between us. Caught in a cross fire. The trip to the bridal house wasn't exactly a pleasant one too. We did not commit to them that day, but we did listen to a whole bunch of lies. They promised us what seemed like a bride's heaven, beautiful pictures, shoot in JB, three albums, canvas, number of gowns....blablablablablabla.....We still wanted to think about it so we left. Mistake we made, we did not take the paper the information was written on. Silly us! It's our first time getting married anyway! DUH. Well, my story ends here. Next on the making of Bridezilla, how drama unfolds and turns into a nightmare.

The pre-wedding plans

You know how everything seems so right yet suddenly ends up so wrong. As a bride, my life was miserable for the past few months, but as a wife I can't thank god enough for pairing me up with my best friend and my soul mate. With the hassle and bustle of what a wedding was supposed to be a few months back, I'm glad it's all over and I finally have the time to sit down and write about it, and hopefully read about it, and LAUGH it out with the hubs. After the wedding, after all that drama, I finally get the time to sit down and write about my experience as a bride, daughter, daughter in law and most importantly a wife.

All Too Familliar

I came across an article it some of the words seem all too familiar... http://www.thestar.com.my/News/Nation/2013/09/20/Beauty-TV-ads-cosmetic-surgery.aspx About a week ago, I met someone who seems obsessed with the literal meaning of perfection: BIG EYES/SHARP NOSE/OVAL SHAPED FACE/SULTRY LIPS/SKINNY/BIG BOOBS AND THE "PERFECT" ASS. It hit me, not in a very nice way. What is the meaning of beauty? As far as I can remember, I was reminded for the past 26 years of my life of the small assets I had, I became obsessed. I remember stuffing anything that could make me lose weight down my throat, the after effect was not good. And why did I do it? Because I wanted to make the people around me "proud". My idea of beauty was Barbie, but since I am Asian, I'd like to look like all the movie stars I could remember. Of course not till I met you.You changed my perception of Beauty, the understanding and the meaning of it. You brought new meaning to my life, to the life I once knew..You put an end to it, and you brought me to a better place. But once in awhile, I still can't forget the idea of perfection. It hurts to know that my flaws are opened for the world to see. The pain when I look in the mirror and all I see is..this thing. This vase, the kind of vase that has been smashed on the ground, glued together. Flawed. I wish I could look better, I wish I was taller, I wish this and I wish that. My idea of perfection sways from one to another with a snap of a finger. Is it me, or is it the darkness in me? Who am I? Or what I am? A bag of insecurity? or just a child trapped in someone else's body. You are my inspiration. I am trying to love myself, because I love you and because you love me. But am I strong enough? Or will my scars remind me of the darkest past? Will my scars heal itself? Or should I carry it with me till the end of my day? It is only because I have you, that I dare to take a step further. What about those who have never found someone like you? What will their lives be? Will it all be a lie of imperfections? Are they going to fall into the cruel world of vanity? How about their children? When will they love themselves? I wish people could see. I wish they would wake up. I wish they could stand up. But not everyone can. This sucks.

Home

How do you feel homesick when you do not have a home to begin with? I don't know what I feel but I know I miss something. I am cranky, emotional and moody most of the time but why? Probably it's the transition. I miss my friends, not that I have a lot of friends, but I know I have a handful of good ones. What am I afraid of, actually? Is it a new beginning? Or is it the fact that you won't be here for a week, every month. Without you, it would have been a lot harder moving over but with you, it has been easier. What am I going to when you are not here? How am I going to fall asleep alone? Who will kiss me good morning and good night? I know it's only a week, but when you are in love, a day a part means forever. You have become my Home. You have become a part of me. Without you, there is no home, and there is no place for me. I miss you already, even though you are still here. But for you, I will try to be stronger, more independent. You need a woman, not a girl. You need a home, not a house. You need a pillar, not a burden. Just like how I need you, you have become my man, my home, my pillar. And to make this work, I need to grow up. I don't know how, but I'll try.

How many

How many times do you have to tear me apart. How many times do you want to break my spirit down. How many times do you want to forget who I am. What I am. How I've been. Everytime when I stand up, you slap me down. You break me up. You throw me around. I promised I'll be there. But you have never treated me like the one you love. You look for me for support and when I try, you break me. How can I help you when you're drowning me before I can even breathe?

Is it all worth it?

Once upon a time you used to tell me how proud you were with my progress but that was once upon a time. I thought we could work things out. I thought we could work together. I thought we could work. But now, it all seems so blurry. You hit real well. You always do. You used it against me. I do not know you. Nor do you know me. We are two very different people. And I am no longer strong enough to fight. I can see. I can feel. You forgot that my tears are my pain. My anger are my emotions. My heart is my love for you. You once told me that you were proud but now, you tell me differently. I believed. I really believed in the hope and love we once called, I believed that though the world may look at me differently, you will never. I believed that even no matter how hard everyone tries to put me down, you will never for you were the one who truly understood me. Humans, are alike in their own unique way. We are different but the same. We work around our similarities and differences for better or for worse. But once we stop working, we stop trying. In a growing world of materialism, hunger to succeed and desire to strive, love struggles. Love suffers. It always do. We are all frustrated in our own way, all the time and we have different ways of working around it. But to hurt the one you say you love, that's a good example of how love struggles. How deep can love be to hold all the pain? When will we learn? How long before we let go? Would we be able to hold on? Questions. Questions. Questions. We remain unsure. You put me down, and you expect me to pretend that it is all okay? When I fight because you put me down, then it's ego? What happened to.."I want you to be able to protect yourself. Even from me. Don't ever let me put you down." But you did. In a way that I can't believe. If love strong enough to hold?