Home

How do you feel homesick when you do not have a home to begin with? I don't know what I feel but I know I miss something. I am cranky, emotional and moody most of the time but why? Probably it's the transition. I miss my friends, not that I have a lot of friends, but I know I have a handful of good ones. What am I afraid of, actually? Is it a new beginning? Or is it the fact that you won't be here for a week, every month. Without you, it would have been a lot harder moving over but with you, it has been easier. What am I going to when you are not here? How am I going to fall asleep alone? Who will kiss me good morning and good night? I know it's only a week, but when you are in love, a day a part means forever. You have become my Home. You have become a part of me. Without you, there is no home, and there is no place for me. I miss you already, even though you are still here. But for you, I will try to be stronger, more independent. You need a woman, not a girl. You need a home, not a house. You need a pillar, not a burden. Just like how I need you, you have become my man, my home, my pillar. And to make this work, I need to grow up. I don't know how, but I'll try.

How many

How many times do you have to tear me apart. How many times do you want to break my spirit down. How many times do you want to forget who I am. What I am. How I've been. Everytime when I stand up, you slap me down. You break me up. You throw me around. I promised I'll be there. But you have never treated me like the one you love. You look for me for support and when I try, you break me. How can I help you when you're drowning me before I can even breathe?

Is it all worth it?

Once upon a time you used to tell me how proud you were with my progress but that was once upon a time. I thought we could work things out. I thought we could work together. I thought we could work. But now, it all seems so blurry. You hit real well. You always do. You used it against me. I do not know you. Nor do you know me. We are two very different people. And I am no longer strong enough to fight. I can see. I can feel. You forgot that my tears are my pain. My anger are my emotions. My heart is my love for you. You once told me that you were proud but now, you tell me differently. I believed. I really believed in the hope and love we once called, I believed that though the world may look at me differently, you will never. I believed that even no matter how hard everyone tries to put me down, you will never for you were the one who truly understood me. Humans, are alike in their own unique way. We are different but the same. We work around our similarities and differences for better or for worse. But once we stop working, we stop trying. In a growing world of materialism, hunger to succeed and desire to strive, love struggles. Love suffers. It always do. We are all frustrated in our own way, all the time and we have different ways of working around it. But to hurt the one you say you love, that's a good example of how love struggles. How deep can love be to hold all the pain? When will we learn? How long before we let go? Would we be able to hold on? Questions. Questions. Questions. We remain unsure. You put me down, and you expect me to pretend that it is all okay? When I fight because you put me down, then it's ego? What happened to.."I want you to be able to protect yourself. Even from me. Don't ever let me put you down." But you did. In a way that I can't believe. If love strong enough to hold?

Ego Smeego

Everything is an ego problem, Ego smeego freego..ugh! I love you to bits to have an ego against you. You don't listen. I am talking. To you is all a misconception, my periodical moments, my emotional sphere. I need you to know. I need you to understand. You would feel the same if you were me. Why can't you listen, why can't you understand. Why don't you see, you don't let me talk.

How do you mend your broken heart?

It's not very easy being the way i am,believing in the endless possibilities love can bring. Sometimes I just need to give myself a reality check,that life ain't a pot of gold and love is built through struggles,pain and happiness.I ain't no perfect angel,just a flawed little something with a cracked little head.how do i mend my broken heart?Just by shutting the door. When will you ever learn,woman!!

When everything is a number..

I know you love me and I love you too, but what hurts the most is when everything is a number. I know you never meant it, I know you always love me, I know you would do anything for me, but what hurts the most is when everything is a number. I guess it's me, I'm no good, I'm a hazard, I'm a pain, I'm a nuisance, I'm a handful and I am so much more. When we argue, I have an ego and that scares me, because knowing you, ego is not exactly your best friend. I'm tired, yes I am, I'm lost in space, unable to set my footing, I don't know where I stand. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I used to believe I could tell you how I feel without breaking your ego. I used to believe I could win my way to your heart, but it's no longer that way. You were once smitten by me, but now you are no longer. I'm just a little unwell, and I need you right here, maybe it's too much to ask. You lost your freedom when you met me, maybe it was wrong. But how can it be, when we smile so much? How can it be when I am so in love? How can it be, when you're the one who keep me going? and how can it be, when I smile waking up beside you? I wish you feel the same, I hope you feel the same but somethings are just a mystery. What can I say? When numbers breaks your heart.

Home Bittersweet House

It took me awhile to digest..maybe far too long, Living with someone you love yet feeling so lost.. Lost because of the sudden change, having parents who gave such bittersweet memories, I used to remember the barbie dolls, the mini pool, the sliding down from the car windscreen, giggles as we were tickled, laughter as we were chased around, but I also remembered the yelling, screaming, tears and pain. Every whip of the cane, the belt but nothing beats the piercing words. Feeling useless, hopeless and lost..that was what I remembered most from growing up.. Growing pains they say, this was literally. Being there as mommy tried killing herself, being there as daddy walked out of the house to be with someone else, well...those were just to least painful memories...Being blinded by love, by tears and pain... I remember the most intimate details of your other life, the most painful part of your words, I was never good enough not because you didn't know me, I was never good enough because I became too much of the both of you. I took after the both of you and such, I was never good enough. Played like a ball in between monkey games, turned into a reckless fool yet fault for my insecurities that were created by who you say? Me. Every fault, every mistake, every pain were brought upon myself. Those words were spoken without guilt, without remorse, without feelings and then you ask me, how can I be so cruel? My hopes and dreams as a little girl playing barbie dolls, to get married and to have a family, all shattered into pieces by you..YES YOU..and when I speak, my voice turns to deaf ears. Can't you see I am pleading for your help? Can't you see I am asking you to fix what you have done. The first people I've ever known, the first hands I've ever touched, Yes you, you turn me into this, and now I am pleading for you to save me from the pain you have caused but yet to you, you have done no wrong. To you, you have hurt no one. To you, your mistakes were nothing. Your faults have never hurt us, you have never hurt us. To the both of you, yes you. I am tired of pleading for help. I am tired of being blamed for how I am. I am tired of being not good enough for you. I am tired of listening to your excuses. I am tired of feeling lost. I am tired of believing you will realize. I am tired of believing in you. I am how I am because of you. It is your fault for how we feel, it is your actions that caused us pain, it is your thoughts that turned us into emotional wrecks. I am a lost child, I will never be good enough for you but I will be good enough for myself. I no longer care how much you care, I no longer care how you see me, I no longer care.I am good enough for myself. I will be better for myself. No more pleading, no more cries, no more tears.