Home Bittersweet House

It took me awhile to digest..maybe far too long, Living with someone you love yet feeling so lost.. Lost because of the sudden change, having parents who gave such bittersweet memories, I used to remember the barbie dolls, the mini pool, the sliding down from the car windscreen, giggles as we were tickled, laughter as we were chased around, but I also remembered the yelling, screaming, tears and pain. Every whip of the cane, the belt but nothing beats the piercing words. Feeling useless, hopeless and lost..that was what I remembered most from growing up.. Growing pains they say, this was literally. Being there as mommy tried killing herself, being there as daddy walked out of the house to be with someone else, well...those were just to least painful memories...Being blinded by love, by tears and pain... I remember the most intimate details of your other life, the most painful part of your words, I was never good enough not because you didn't know me, I was never good enough because I became too much of the both of you. I took after the both of you and such, I was never good enough. Played like a ball in between monkey games, turned into a reckless fool yet fault for my insecurities that were created by who you say? Me. Every fault, every mistake, every pain were brought upon myself. Those words were spoken without guilt, without remorse, without feelings and then you ask me, how can I be so cruel? My hopes and dreams as a little girl playing barbie dolls, to get married and to have a family, all shattered into pieces by you..YES YOU..and when I speak, my voice turns to deaf ears. Can't you see I am pleading for your help? Can't you see I am asking you to fix what you have done. The first people I've ever known, the first hands I've ever touched, Yes you, you turn me into this, and now I am pleading for you to save me from the pain you have caused but yet to you, you have done no wrong. To you, you have hurt no one. To you, your mistakes were nothing. Your faults have never hurt us, you have never hurt us. To the both of you, yes you. I am tired of pleading for help. I am tired of being blamed for how I am. I am tired of being not good enough for you. I am tired of listening to your excuses. I am tired of feeling lost. I am tired of believing you will realize. I am tired of believing in you. I am how I am because of you. It is your fault for how we feel, it is your actions that caused us pain, it is your thoughts that turned us into emotional wrecks. I am a lost child, I will never be good enough for you but I will be good enough for myself. I no longer care how much you care, I no longer care how you see me, I no longer care.I am good enough for myself. I will be better for myself. No more pleading, no more cries, no more tears.