The Making of Bridezilla Part 3

What went wrong and where? Here's a list. 1. Wedding pictures couldn't come out in time. 2. Bridal house did not inform us of the time they needed for the photo editing. 3. Promised pre-bridal shoot plan by the bridal house was a fake. Every reply I got was, :you find yourself LAH" 4. My mil and dil were imposing even up to the color of my outfit- which is pathetic. 5. Mil and Dil were not nice to my parents....at all. (Traditional vs. Modern) OH THE HORROR! 6. The hubs was a loose cannon. And that is hella! Scary. 7. "Sister/BRIDESMAID" was not there despite constant plea for help. 8. More mil, dil and parents problem. 9. DIL said he allowed the hubs to marry me in church. WTH is that all about?! 10. House in the process/New business in the process and the wedding! = BROKE. 11. MIL started again, imposing ideas on feng shui, that seriously made me feel crap. I really do feel that it's my fault things are picking up so slowly now. BUT.......I am emotional afterall. 12. Dad's annoying slut. I can't get her out of my brains! DAMMIT. 13. Mom's constant reminder about affairs- mind you! When I am about to get married..REALLY? Seriously? 14. Dad's slut and a half decided to pull some shit. 15. Period.- No reason to not get emo. 16. Business was slow which also means cash flow is even tighter. 17. Hubs- moody. frustrated. AND arguments. Even when I'm sick. But he has feelings too. 18. Mil and Dil went all out for the chinese shitty ceremony without informing my parents. - That caused a havoc. Which lead to the wedding disaster. OMG. 19. Mom reminding me how much money she has "SPENT" on me for the business....Now that feels like crap. 20. Again hubs fighting with me...because (my fault) I did not allow him to as he would say "FUCK" up his parents. 21. More issues from the bridal house. Dress not measured. Even after 3 times of measuring, no record was taken. Dress record or even hubs outfit was not recorded. 22. Two weeks before the wedding, the tailor made gown was a disaster. 23. I fell sick.- Which also means, tension was higher due to period, being sick and everything pilled up. 24. Dad finally lost it to the MIL and DIL. OH god! That was freaky as hell. 25. Hub's Godma was a bitch during tea ceremony. "Kneel down" she says, fuck that shit. I don't even kneel to my parents you piece of shit. 26. Cancellation a week and a few days before the REAL wedding. 27. And sudden addition-self invite stuff.... And the list goes on...HOW do you not be a bridezilla then? More to come in PART 4.

The Making of Bridezilla Part 2

How I came to be a paranoid bride. You know how they say, "Don't have a wedding. Just register and go for a honeymoon" Dips to whoever who said that. It's true. BUT. I wanted a wedding, to walk down the aisle with your soul mate.

See this man up there. Well, he completes me. And though we went through several of shit holes together, it's all okay. Because there is love. So how did I start my paranoia. As far as I can remember, the dil spoke to the hubs telling him that when we said we wanted to get married, he wanted a Chinese Wedding. Followed by my mil coming to me telling me to tell the hubs I wanted something, when I really did not want it. Plus, my dad trying to play the nice guy didn't help to back us up and mom there being nice but also playing the gasoline/charcoal adding person. To add on, dad's affair came to light. My heart broke. Not because I didn't already know, but because it was painful to start afresh when your past pulls you back. It was like struggling between turning left or right, whichever was the lesser of two evil. There was no way out. I wanted to seek comfort with my parents when the dil and mil were pressuring me to do things I didn't want to, I wanted the hubs to know yet was too afraid he'd be pissed. It was like a stand alone game. Mom and dad were not getting along. Hubs was moody all the time and dil and mil was adding on to my constant migraine. This developed into lack of sleep, chest pains, migraines and a whole lot of dip shit I don't even want to mention. Work was a B**** when the boss did not pay on time, and when the wedding was pulled forward...OMG. Financially we were drained. Closer to the wedding, my relationship with the dil and mil worsened drastically. We were different people from very different era, and I could not accept that they were different from the people I once knew. Mom and dad on the other hand improved in their relationship (but I still cannot sit in a room with them for more than half and hour without getting frustrated which is a lot better than the 15 minutes mark I used to give) and the hubs, I could see was tired from all the drama, pressure and annoyance. In return, we spoke less, he was moody most of the time which made me moody most of the time. He'd get annoyed at me for getting paranoid, but he couldn't see my POV. I knew things he didn't. My frustration worsened every time I got a FB message, or a secret come to the room session, plus they weren't the most pleasant to my parents. My fault too. I should have said it out. But watching a child fight with his parents because of his wife is something no woman should ever do to her man. I've watched my parents go through that, and how their marriage failed miserably. I was not going to allow my marriage to follow their footsteps before it even started. The hubs started getting annoyed at me claiming I was trying to control him and he felt suffocated. I felt suffocated too. Honestly, at that point...I wanted to just call off the wedding and just take a breather. (Hubs..if you're reading this, I am sorry and it won't happen again. No more secrets.) To control my anger, my frustration and the stress that was suffocating me, i turned to my pain killers. It made me numb. I took it whether or not ming li was here. Not much but 2-3 pills a time every 1-2 days. Did it for almost two weeks and I got scared when I woke up one night, sweating and gasping for air. I looked at you, and you were sound asleep (snoring actually). I kissed you and told myself, never again. Bride's don't normally turn into bridezilla. They are forced into bridezilla. I know that now. And I apologize for the judgmental attitude I once had to bride's who whine and complain.

The making of BRIDEZILLA (Yup! That's me!)

It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon on the 5th of October 2013, when the car broke down. Little did I know, my boyfriend at that time who is the man I call my husband today was nervous not because the car broke down, but he was going to propose just minutes away.

It was the sweetest proposal ever and also my very first time seeing him that nervous. Plus, he literally stuffed the ring in my hand because he was trembling. I remember celebrating with good people that day, and rocking in the chair in Alexis like a crazy person beaming with joy. Finally! I thought to myself. The man I want to spend the rest of my life with. And so the making of Bridezilla starts......................... First it was the parents meet up that almost gave me a panic attack. And before you know it, you just realize that your wedding will never truly be your wedding. That will come later part in the adventure of Bridezilla. First step: Wedding photo hunting. Finding that "perfect" bridal shop. We went to the wedding fair, and people were just hounding us. You couldn't walk two steps without them literally blocking your path. We, were just too annoyed to walk any further and decided to stop at one shop (and commit to it due to what we thought at the time "pleasant customer service relationship and perfect portfolio) IT WAS A NIGHTMARE. More to come later part. The name of this bridal house: VENUS SIGNATURE BRIDAL HOUSE. From JB, just opened up in KL.(SS2 to be precised)

Their portfolio was absolutely amazing. Note: WAS. As any sales person would do, the would promise you the world, but deliver close to nothing. Anyway, on the day we decided to commit to them, we were having a parents meeting earlier. And that was how the drama evolved. What I couldn't see was that my in-laws, were very traditional individuals. Slightly forceful, and my parents (Dad to be specific) is this guy who tries to "accommodate" too much. Well, he has always loved playing the good cop. So before the parents meeting, the hubs and I discussed with him on a few traditions that we'd truly like to avoid. To our dismay, he complied with the in-laws which put us in a very difficult position. I cried like a baby as we stormed off to the bridal house. I mean honestly, who wouldn't be pissed. We said no teapots and crap. And he did not object, nor agree...WHICH ALSO MEANT HE AGREED. The hubs and I were upset, lost and very very pissed. It wasn't a very good day that day. I remember getting frustrated and learning the roots of my in laws that I found hard to digest, due to the upbringing I was from. The worst part was the man we both loved, (the in laws and I) had to be in between us. Caught in a cross fire. The trip to the bridal house wasn't exactly a pleasant one too. We did not commit to them that day, but we did listen to a whole bunch of lies. They promised us what seemed like a bride's heaven, beautiful pictures, shoot in JB, three albums, canvas, number of gowns....blablablablablabla.....We still wanted to think about it so we left. Mistake we made, we did not take the paper the information was written on. Silly us! It's our first time getting married anyway! DUH. Well, my story ends here. Next on the making of Bridezilla, how drama unfolds and turns into a nightmare.

The pre-wedding plans

You know how everything seems so right yet suddenly ends up so wrong. As a bride, my life was miserable for the past few months, but as a wife I can't thank god enough for pairing me up with my best friend and my soul mate. With the hassle and bustle of what a wedding was supposed to be a few months back, I'm glad it's all over and I finally have the time to sit down and write about it, and hopefully read about it, and LAUGH it out with the hubs. After the wedding, after all that drama, I finally get the time to sit down and write about my experience as a bride, daughter, daughter in law and most importantly a wife.

All Too Familliar

I came across an article it some of the words seem all too familiar... http://www.thestar.com.my/News/Nation/2013/09/20/Beauty-TV-ads-cosmetic-surgery.aspx About a week ago, I met someone who seems obsessed with the literal meaning of perfection: BIG EYES/SHARP NOSE/OVAL SHAPED FACE/SULTRY LIPS/SKINNY/BIG BOOBS AND THE "PERFECT" ASS. It hit me, not in a very nice way. What is the meaning of beauty? As far as I can remember, I was reminded for the past 26 years of my life of the small assets I had, I became obsessed. I remember stuffing anything that could make me lose weight down my throat, the after effect was not good. And why did I do it? Because I wanted to make the people around me "proud". My idea of beauty was Barbie, but since I am Asian, I'd like to look like all the movie stars I could remember. Of course not till I met you.You changed my perception of Beauty, the understanding and the meaning of it. You brought new meaning to my life, to the life I once knew..You put an end to it, and you brought me to a better place. But once in awhile, I still can't forget the idea of perfection. It hurts to know that my flaws are opened for the world to see. The pain when I look in the mirror and all I see is..this thing. This vase, the kind of vase that has been smashed on the ground, glued together. Flawed. I wish I could look better, I wish I was taller, I wish this and I wish that. My idea of perfection sways from one to another with a snap of a finger. Is it me, or is it the darkness in me? Who am I? Or what I am? A bag of insecurity? or just a child trapped in someone else's body. You are my inspiration. I am trying to love myself, because I love you and because you love me. But am I strong enough? Or will my scars remind me of the darkest past? Will my scars heal itself? Or should I carry it with me till the end of my day? It is only because I have you, that I dare to take a step further. What about those who have never found someone like you? What will their lives be? Will it all be a lie of imperfections? Are they going to fall into the cruel world of vanity? How about their children? When will they love themselves? I wish people could see. I wish they would wake up. I wish they could stand up. But not everyone can. This sucks.

Home

How do you feel homesick when you do not have a home to begin with? I don't know what I feel but I know I miss something. I am cranky, emotional and moody most of the time but why? Probably it's the transition. I miss my friends, not that I have a lot of friends, but I know I have a handful of good ones. What am I afraid of, actually? Is it a new beginning? Or is it the fact that you won't be here for a week, every month. Without you, it would have been a lot harder moving over but with you, it has been easier. What am I going to when you are not here? How am I going to fall asleep alone? Who will kiss me good morning and good night? I know it's only a week, but when you are in love, a day a part means forever. You have become my Home. You have become a part of me. Without you, there is no home, and there is no place for me. I miss you already, even though you are still here. But for you, I will try to be stronger, more independent. You need a woman, not a girl. You need a home, not a house. You need a pillar, not a burden. Just like how I need you, you have become my man, my home, my pillar. And to make this work, I need to grow up. I don't know how, but I'll try.

How many

How many times do you have to tear me apart. How many times do you want to break my spirit down. How many times do you want to forget who I am. What I am. How I've been. Everytime when I stand up, you slap me down. You break me up. You throw me around. I promised I'll be there. But you have never treated me like the one you love. You look for me for support and when I try, you break me. How can I help you when you're drowning me before I can even breathe?

Is it all worth it?

Once upon a time you used to tell me how proud you were with my progress but that was once upon a time. I thought we could work things out. I thought we could work together. I thought we could work. But now, it all seems so blurry. You hit real well. You always do. You used it against me. I do not know you. Nor do you know me. We are two very different people. And I am no longer strong enough to fight. I can see. I can feel. You forgot that my tears are my pain. My anger are my emotions. My heart is my love for you. You once told me that you were proud but now, you tell me differently. I believed. I really believed in the hope and love we once called, I believed that though the world may look at me differently, you will never. I believed that even no matter how hard everyone tries to put me down, you will never for you were the one who truly understood me. Humans, are alike in their own unique way. We are different but the same. We work around our similarities and differences for better or for worse. But once we stop working, we stop trying. In a growing world of materialism, hunger to succeed and desire to strive, love struggles. Love suffers. It always do. We are all frustrated in our own way, all the time and we have different ways of working around it. But to hurt the one you say you love, that's a good example of how love struggles. How deep can love be to hold all the pain? When will we learn? How long before we let go? Would we be able to hold on? Questions. Questions. Questions. We remain unsure. You put me down, and you expect me to pretend that it is all okay? When I fight because you put me down, then it's ego? What happened to.."I want you to be able to protect yourself. Even from me. Don't ever let me put you down." But you did. In a way that I can't believe. If love strong enough to hold?

Ego Smeego

Everything is an ego problem, Ego smeego freego..ugh! I love you to bits to have an ego against you. You don't listen. I am talking. To you is all a misconception, my periodical moments, my emotional sphere. I need you to know. I need you to understand. You would feel the same if you were me. Why can't you listen, why can't you understand. Why don't you see, you don't let me talk.

How do you mend your broken heart?

It's not very easy being the way i am,believing in the endless possibilities love can bring. Sometimes I just need to give myself a reality check,that life ain't a pot of gold and love is built through struggles,pain and happiness.I ain't no perfect angel,just a flawed little something with a cracked little head.how do i mend my broken heart?Just by shutting the door. When will you ever learn,woman!!

When everything is a number..

I know you love me and I love you too, but what hurts the most is when everything is a number. I know you never meant it, I know you always love me, I know you would do anything for me, but what hurts the most is when everything is a number. I guess it's me, I'm no good, I'm a hazard, I'm a pain, I'm a nuisance, I'm a handful and I am so much more. When we argue, I have an ego and that scares me, because knowing you, ego is not exactly your best friend. I'm tired, yes I am, I'm lost in space, unable to set my footing, I don't know where I stand. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I used to believe I could tell you how I feel without breaking your ego. I used to believe I could win my way to your heart, but it's no longer that way. You were once smitten by me, but now you are no longer. I'm just a little unwell, and I need you right here, maybe it's too much to ask. You lost your freedom when you met me, maybe it was wrong. But how can it be, when we smile so much? How can it be when I am so in love? How can it be, when you're the one who keep me going? and how can it be, when I smile waking up beside you? I wish you feel the same, I hope you feel the same but somethings are just a mystery. What can I say? When numbers breaks your heart.

Home Bittersweet House

It took me awhile to digest..maybe far too long, Living with someone you love yet feeling so lost.. Lost because of the sudden change, having parents who gave such bittersweet memories, I used to remember the barbie dolls, the mini pool, the sliding down from the car windscreen, giggles as we were tickled, laughter as we were chased around, but I also remembered the yelling, screaming, tears and pain. Every whip of the cane, the belt but nothing beats the piercing words. Feeling useless, hopeless and lost..that was what I remembered most from growing up.. Growing pains they say, this was literally. Being there as mommy tried killing herself, being there as daddy walked out of the house to be with someone else, well...those were just to least painful memories...Being blinded by love, by tears and pain... I remember the most intimate details of your other life, the most painful part of your words, I was never good enough not because you didn't know me, I was never good enough because I became too much of the both of you. I took after the both of you and such, I was never good enough. Played like a ball in between monkey games, turned into a reckless fool yet fault for my insecurities that were created by who you say? Me. Every fault, every mistake, every pain were brought upon myself. Those words were spoken without guilt, without remorse, without feelings and then you ask me, how can I be so cruel? My hopes and dreams as a little girl playing barbie dolls, to get married and to have a family, all shattered into pieces by you..YES YOU..and when I speak, my voice turns to deaf ears. Can't you see I am pleading for your help? Can't you see I am asking you to fix what you have done. The first people I've ever known, the first hands I've ever touched, Yes you, you turn me into this, and now I am pleading for you to save me from the pain you have caused but yet to you, you have done no wrong. To you, you have hurt no one. To you, your mistakes were nothing. Your faults have never hurt us, you have never hurt us. To the both of you, yes you. I am tired of pleading for help. I am tired of being blamed for how I am. I am tired of being not good enough for you. I am tired of listening to your excuses. I am tired of feeling lost. I am tired of believing you will realize. I am tired of believing in you. I am how I am because of you. It is your fault for how we feel, it is your actions that caused us pain, it is your thoughts that turned us into emotional wrecks. I am a lost child, I will never be good enough for you but I will be good enough for myself. I no longer care how much you care, I no longer care how you see me, I no longer care.I am good enough for myself. I will be better for myself. No more pleading, no more cries, no more tears.

Material girls

I live a life where I love pretty things,
but don't we all...But in this material world,
is it even possible to forget..

Everything from what we wear to what we use..
From clothes, to jeans, to BB and Iphone..PS3
and nintendo Wii...air cond and holidays...
it's all the little things of media now isn't it?

I am a material girl..but aren't we all...
either way, there is no way out..unless you live in streets
or like Adam and Eve.- A little too late for that, are we now.

Soul searching...inspirational or just crap shit?

It's 12.18P.M, a little ol' grumpy me just finished looking through for
jobs..I just thought to myself.. used to love to words, "soul searching.."

Someone always tells you that you have to do some soul searching..
Hang on..Wait a minute and chill the F* out..soul searching you say?

Is that even possible..I hate it when people say, you need to find
yourself..well..to be honest..if I really wanted to find myself..
literally..I'd look in the mirror. So, then again is soul searching
just the words of someone who wants to look smart or does it mean
something..?

Truth be..I have no idea...To me when someone tells me I need to find
myself..a.k.a "soul" I'd look lost because, honey knowing what we want
will never exist unless you are some ancient dude who just wants to sit
down at home and do nothing...which is almost impossible in today's society..

Being human, we change, we evolve, we progress...At some point we want this
and at some point as we move along we realize we want something else..so..if
soul searching, means looking for what we want in life...the answer is, everyone
wants to be happy, problem free and preferably very rich. Not happening because
life ain't a perfect fairy tale. Soul searching I shall conclude, is just
a little bull shit. You can't search your soul because only you know where it is.

Little Miss Meanie Bone

It's one of those days where I lie in bed and realize this diary
here has been untouched for god knows how long..

Had lunch with Vincent and Vatsi today, and funny, Vatsi mentioned
there isn't a single mean bone in me..in other words I'm a spine-less
little girl...

I lay in bed wondering what exactly was the meanest thing I've ever done
to someone..being a typical girl...

1. Bitching.. a definite...but creating rumors, never..I speak
from what I hear...but it's still bitching.
2. Getting itching powder and rubbing it all over, "what's that
girls name??"
3. Scolding people back in high school...hmmm...a definite yes..
4. Getting pissed at my sister..and asking her to go to hell...-that
sucked big time..
5. Going low blow on the once-upon-a-time relationship that wasted the
precious years of my life...
6. Eliminating the people I used to call friends..
7. Ignoring lame-asses and laughing at 'em..
8. Posting Ms.Q's picture on Facebook..
9. And many more that remains forgotten..-but I will definitely update
'em here..

My point is, how mean should a person be to be actually mean. I'm happy
this way because I don't want to live a life of guilt where I go around
torturing the wits out of every idiot there even if they deserve it. I'm
not God nor am I the authorities, biting 'em back right in the arse ain't
gonna get me no where..because if every idiot in the planet did that, this
world would be even more fucked up than it already is. Simple. One less. One
more. =D

I'm no angel, I'm no saint..I'm just me and I believe everyone should be
given a chance..People come and go..some stay to share their lives with
mine while some screw me over and walk away, but isn't that what life is about?
If every little thing was a perfect little world, then we'd all be pretty bored,
won't we? This is me, I may call myself Ms.Meanie Bone while other beg to differ..I may get screwed over time and time again..but in the end, I have the people around me to create the balance in my life..and mine in theirs. <3

Sanity

How do you tell when you no longer know of the little stories
behind the book of tales. Desire of dreams that fades away, isn't
it not a little rare? These dreams are made from the little minds
yet you cannot see what is the truth. Truth and dreams are these
desires or when rainbow shatters and none is seen.

Is this just desire or a dream from tales?

Wonderland Wedding

I went to a wedding last Saturday.. A pretty little wedding which
reminded me very much of the theme Alice in Wonderland..but of course..
minus the chatty rabbit and the mad hatter, although there were sooo many
hats to choose from, from the photo booth.

It was a beautiful wedding, baby's good friend got married and she looked
gorgeous that day! Like an angel I would say. This was the most comfortable
wedding I've ever been too! No traditions, no waiting, no cheers...It was just
Peace..Quiet and Relaxing! I would love a wedding like that! =D If I would ever
have that chance.

Sometimes it's almost like God is playing a trick on you.
You find someone you love who loves you just as much, values, cares and cherish
you. The perfect match, except it either goes on to not ready for marriage or
never want kids. Lol...Life is a joke. The perfect man with perfections that makes
out the imperfections. i.e: the man who loves you and only you which results to only
loving you and not sharing the love with your future kids.=_=''' It leaves me speechless...but he is afterall the perfect man with perfections of imperfection.
Whatever that meant...

Oh well, like he said when the time comes. Although sometimes I'd like to label him my property!Ladies..Lay off! He's no millionaire nor Brad Pitt..but he is smooth with the ladies, and what more the sweetest guy I've ever met. A klutz..but only to himself. He's a keeper and definitely he's my man..=D

Baby, I don't know if you'll ever read this cause you haven't been reading my blog in awhile..but if you do..I just gotta write it down..I can't go around telling someone because I'm shy...=P so I gotta express myself a bit.hehehe... =D



I don't know how, I don't why but I am inevitably in love with you. You are someone i can love forever. =D







If reality was a fairytale, you are my prince charming. So I must be dreaming because you are. Don't ever wake me up from this dream because I don't ever want to lose you. <3

You Forgot Me

The pink blossoms turns into shades of grey,
Over the green grass it turns into hay,
No longer is there the sun of tomorrow,
Just little clouds of yesterdays sorrow..
Pinkies nor winkies, that ain't going to work
because those are little words that we say,
It ain't easy nor is it hard,
but those little pinklets has faded in color,
It's no longer the pink that we cover,
With memories that painted a golden picture,
Pinklets whispered, I will never leave you,
but little lies of tomorrow's pleasure..
It's just like a drought that hits in September,
You can't see nor can you feel,
All you do is wish for the rain..
But you don't know cause you're not up there..
And there it is, he forgot about me.

Pieces of me..

Shreds of paper..
Broken glasses..
It feels that way..
Everything said and done..
It tears and burns..
Never your perfection.
Paranoid is her first name.
Emotional is her last name.
Either way it's all her..
Wish those tears could speak..
But those are just metaphorical words..
Words the heart can't speak.
Those are the pieces of her broken heart.

I