I feEl..

In the past events of painful emotions..
i feel absolutely strong..however..

the decisions i made proved to be very impulsive i guess..
through the events of dramas in my life..i lost friends..gained friends...
and many more...who is to blame? We will never know...

Sometimes you don't know whether your actions comprehend your feelings..
do they telly? I don't know honestly..I wish life was simpler..but then again..if it was
we would never grow up wouldn't we?

I just want to look forward..never turning back and smile in the future..you can never
be too sure if the decisions you make is right..but it's always good to look forward...forget about
whatever that happened..and smile..forgiveness is stronger than anything.

R.I.P Kitty

Many a times,

People around me have said.."caress...drive slowly..."
Even though a massive accident...yet i am still...a reckless
driver..there was once upon a time i was speeding..when
i saw a dog..i choose to go up to the divider then to hit the dog..
(it was a housing area..)

However..today...08.08.2009...at about 8.20 p.m...i was speeding on Kesas highway..
driving on the fast lane..with my lil'll car...with a car behind..
(tiong-ing me..a.k.a following me closely..)out of no where..a white thing..which i thought was a paper..flew across the road..before i could react..the white thing i saw..was a lil'll white cat..or a kitten..i braked..but as i saw the car behind me almost hit me..i tried to move to the middle lane but there was a car there...i had no time..and i ran over the cat. Yes, i do hate cats..but i wouldn't want to kill all of the cats. God created them for a reason, and who the hell am i to take their life away. A heard a sound.."dubb....dissssshhh.." as the cat went under my car. They say cats have nine lives..but in this situation..I knew for sure..it would have smashed under my the fast speeding car tires.

People around me told me that it wasn't my faut..but i do feel selfish because i rather kill kitty then to sway the car and get into an accident..is this human instinct? I don't know..but i feel selfish..very selfish..the cat is a life too! SHIT!

For awhile my legs went numb..immediately i called Christie..and i cried..Christie told me to meet her at Tanjung..the shell station there to wash my car..I did...She accompanied me...
On the way to Tanjung..I couldn't help but cry as i was talking to turtle..after hitting the cat..the whole time i was driving at 50km/h..I guess to some it's no biggie..but to me it was. I killed a living thing. MY WRECKLESS driving and MY DRIVING ATTITUDE caused the death of a cat. If only i would've driven slow enough, i could've avoid it..It's always..IF ONLY...I'm sorry kitty..i knew it was only trying to get to the other side of the road...haihzz..

Chee li followed my car home..when he was on the way home..he saw the dead kitty...='(
I know to many it isn't a biggie..seriously..but to me it is..All i can wish is kitty lives well in Heaven..I'm sorry kitty...Rest in Peace...


.

R.I.P Kitty.

Boredom Strikes

Jade says..."curry..holidays adey..."
yes...i said i would blog during the holidays..I just don't have the "semangat" to sit down
and type.."today....i went to..bla bla bla.." But yes..it has to start like that.."Yesterday i went to summit...with jade....we had our one month long-fasting-broke period of subway..FINALLY!! We actually had to go NO SUBWAY-BROKE period thank to the DUMASS bf's of ours...because both of their birthday falls on JULY...lol..Shits..we didn't take a picture..lol...how can i blog when all are words and no pictures...=_=' it becomes BORING...JADE..the next time we go bowling..it's with camera's ok..CAMWHORING..lots of it..

Yes..Let's update events on 2009...last two sems ago..whether you call it summer, fall..or whatever..we tOok photography class...i was in the same group with christie..and boy did we take some awesome possume gruesome pictures...
Ps: BLOOD LOOKS FAKE..lazy to put black and white..=p


Screw la..duno how to adjust the pictures properly..ish..nvm..leave it like this..lol..
THere JADE..the first update page in months....hehe

Well...my favourite photography picture is...

I guess to me..this isn't just a plant coming out from the whole of a wood..but rather it brings deep meaning to me..how a smal simple plant like this fights for its right to live..yet humans give up on life so easily...Plants have worries like us humans too..they can't protect themselves..and like this plant..it can be plucked out anytime..yes us humans..have the chance to protect ourselves..all we do is..give up...

What goes around comes around*

I wonder sometimes..if there is justice in the world..
My bitchiest auntie is getting married to a man that she says look like george clooney but in actual fact looks like your average mamak guy..but..he's rich..=_='
..that money-iser woman...tsk tsk tsk....
I never really hated her..i kinda liked her anyways...untill....

*Flashback*

I lost my grandmother before chinese new year, and my bitchy auntie
trying to show how "EMOTIONALLY HURTED" when in actual fact she told my mom
via sms to "LEAVE MOTHER IN THE HOSPITAL AS LONG AS YOU STILL CAN. HER TIME IS UP ALREADY.." yes of course she says that..cause she conned my grandma into signing over the house, property and jewelry over to her while my grandmother was under the influence of medication..(till my grandma died, she still believed the house was under her name+she wanted to give the house to my oldest uncle's son because my oldest uncle passed away..)WHAT A BLOODY CONNIVING B&*^H!

She even tried to save up on the funeral..via cremation which my grandmother has specifically told her and my granddad that "popo"(grandma) wanted a burial..you see..she was admitted to the hospital for over a week and through out the time we were accompanying her..she mentioned several times that she wanted to be buried..she's afraid of fire..thank god..we fought hard enough for granddaddy to agree with us..(small auntie listens well to granddaddy cos..1.he's sober..2.super dam rich..)My mom and small auntie has not spoken ever since po-po's death because we felt the fakeness in her..i can tell you..i do sympathise with her because she has no idea tha what goes around comes around..the way she treated popo was overboard..plus..my big auntie is also a biatch...

I realized all they can see is money..popo was in and out of the hospital so many times..but the ones who really took care of her was my god mother..(3rd auntie) and my mom..and the only grandchildren who looked after her were the three of us(my sisters and i)..I sometimes wonder..during her younger days..she Looked after 5 children and a husband (who used to abuse her) and as a grandmother..she has 11 grandchildren..and she looked after us very well..but when she fell sick..no one would even look after her..she was like superwoman..i just don't understand why some people don't have any compassion..kindness and love.Furthermore, to think that when popo had all her money intact with her..everytime she was ill she was sent to a private hospital...once my auntie took everything..it was a government hopsital..those you pay RM1.00 a day!

wELL...ALL I CAN SAY.WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND BITCH!
.
Ps: She always reminded me of ursulla..a fat witch who thinks she is hot!

A lil'll note to tell you i miss you..

In the early morning before sunlight blinds my eye,
I lay awake to a dark surrounding,
Making out the images i see,
I find myself gazing at the room of four walls,
Thinking to myself, has a new day come? *sighz*
Shouldn't i be happy?
It's not easy when bitterness filled with misses circulates the heart,
Another day without you is harder than i expected,

I now can no longer shout to you, "Ah-Mak..i'm here.."
Funny i called you so but it made me closer to you..
I would feel you when i whispered in my heart,
As if you were alive, still breathing and holding my hand as we talk,
Sitting in front of the TV as you clueless-ly look
You still turned to smile as you had company,

I had a lil'll dream of you..
I dreamed of the great person you were..You were..
The wife of a man who showed no compassion,
The daughter in law of a woman who broke your spirit,
The mother of six whom you bore, cared and loved unconditionally,
The woman who tore your bare hands to feed your children,
The pillar who swallowed all pain and sufferings yet smiling as all were good,
The grandmother who loved, pampered and cared,
The person whose heart was as gold that helped many...

In the end you became old, frail, sick and penniless..
By this time you were a mother who was hurted and shown no compassion,
Your spirit was broken before you could pick it up..
And soon you became too tired of fighting..you gave up but...
With a smile that whispers to those who loved you, "I'm alright.."
I still wonder why a person with your kindness had to go through all these pains..
Despite all you've given..
One who bore,cared and loved six,
but six who couldn't care and love just one of you,
You were like an angel who never shed a tear,
Who only wanted the best for your bundle of joys,
and so to theirs too,

Loosing you is painful but for the best,
No longer do you have to go through scornful words that broke your heart,
Bitter medicines that made you loose your taste buds,
Painful jabs that left marks on your frail body,
Treatments that weakened you...

I truly believe now you are finally home,
In heaven where you belong,
Free from pain and suffering,
Singing the sweet songs with the angels,
Looking from above as you protect us like you have always,
You were a great woman,
An understanding wife,
A loving mother,
The perfect woman...
You have always been and will always be..
Memories of you wonders around us to remind us of the beauty you have created.

Fragile Moments

When a person dies,
the deceased no longer suffers but rather the living suffers,
memories of the decease sometimes becomes very vogue,
but this doesn't' mean the person is forgotten but work
somehow makes drowning sorrows easier...
Sadly when work disappears,
celebration comes,
presence is missed..
Accepting that your loved one is no longer there is what's hardest.
You pray to God wishing that he would just give it one more time..
but you know that one more time will never happen...
and even if there was a one more time..
it will never be our last as we would never want to let go...
When one says let go,
it's never possible as the sweet memories lingers within your heart..
you can never let go of a person but you can accept that they are no longer there..
however, accepting is hard..almost impossible..
but if souls do exists..i know it would hurt you to see us suffer as we miss you..
I can try to accept..but...
Letting you go is impossible,
forgetting you is never..
loving you is forever..

Missing you

I often hear the whispers of your sweet words,
The way you use to tell me what’s right from wrong,
Slowly caressing me as the baby I was,
Humming your sweet songs good night,
Sitting back makes me miss you more than words,
A drop of joy exists only because we know you no longer suffer,
But the thought of you gone makes the happiness disappear,
The emptiness from your presence makes forgetting you impossible,
The beautiful person you are inside out,
Makes the heart bleed as you no longer breathe the same air,
I just wish there was more I could do when you were here,
I do wonder now,
Where are you? Is it beautiful? What are you doing? Who’s looking after you? Do you still remember us?
I wish I could see you just one last time,
But I know there will never be a last time,
Cause I can’t let go,
I just wish you could come back,
Tell me it’s all okay,
Tell me that you’re happy,
Give me one last hug,
But I know the last will never end,
When I lay down at night,
I close my eyes and see your playful smile,
The way I had to force you to eat your fruits or your medicine or vegetables,
Even if I had to do it all over again I would,
Even for a hundred times,
If only it was possible,
I should’ve known you were going,
Being a fool of ignorant,
I didn’t see it coming,
If only you were a painting, i wish i could paint you back to life
Now I’m only left with a memory of you,
And that memory I will carry forever,
Loving you forever my dear Po-Po.