Thank You

Thank You for opening my heart, mind and soul.
Just remember,
You will always have that special place in my heart.
As a friend, a mentor and a family.

You wiped away my tears and swiped away my fears.
I will always remember your words:
What can't kill you only makes you stronger..
Superstitions are for people who don't believe in themselves.

Simple words with strong meanings.
Thank you my dear friend.♥

Free Me..From You

I kept thinking..is it me?
No..
It's you..
You're so conceited.
I dare not say it out.
You ears are to listen to your voice.
Mouth is to speak your mind,
Regardless of the damage it might do.
Hands to express your anger.
You did it again.
You conceited little fool.

Free me From you.
I don't want to be a monster.
I just want to be me.

You Turned Yourself In.=)

If it wasn't you..
Why would you "FEEL" the message?
If it wasn't you..
How would you know i thought it was you?
If it wasn't you..
Why did you bother?

You turned yourself in..
You let the cat out of the back..
and covered it behind your innocent lies..
Two words, "I didn't" and you expect the world
to believe you're innocent..

You see..
I've known you so long..
Only you would laugh at people's weakness..
Compare photos of the past and present..
Only you would spread your thoughts and
convince others it was real..remember? You're convincing..

Whatever you have said,
However you have treated me,
I took it in..cause you were my BFF..
But i realized..
I wouldn't want a BFF...
who laughs when others are in pain..
who has no compassion..
who has no dignity..
who has no pride..
who has no kindness..
who has no heart..
You turned yourself in..

Just so you know,
I've walked away since a very long time..
May you find the HEART to care about others..
Laugh WITH people and NOT AT people.

Some Mail i got....and i think it's so dam right..

BITCHOLOGY

When I stand up for
Myself and my beliefs,
They call me a
Bitch.

When I stand up for
Those I love,
They call me a
Bitch.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts
Or do things my own way, they call me a
Bitch.

Being a bitch
Means I won't
Compromise what's
In my heart.
It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to
Tolerate injustice and
Speak against it, I am
Defined as a
Bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for
Myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.

It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I 'should' be.

I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me, just try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a bitch ,so be it.
I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself

B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman

B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle 'anything'

Enough is enough

Well well..
There's this new thing called social interview in Facebook..whereby it makes out simple to hard questions about the people on your list. So I came across this question by ******.

SocialInterview.com asked me "If Caressa Ming was a gangster-rapper, what would his/her street name be?"
I answered "GSP"

Btw, if you don't know, you can skip the question.

HEY YOU,

I was thinking and thinking..what was GSP..Then a friend brought up to my attention..the high school nick name they used to give me..You see..
That was in high school. Yes, I was flat..but it's not a criminal offense and
whether i was flatter or am fuller now, i don't need your comments.

We were once close where you all could laugh at me and taunt me with your class-less statements calling me "She-Man" and a "Trans", saying i was "BIG", whisper about the size of my boobs and everything else. I let it be 'cause we were friends but since you mentioned "I WON'T TURN MY BACK FROM MY FRIENDS FOR THIS KIND OF GIRL" (sounds broken but it was mentioned in mandarin)I lost every bit of respect for you and i don't think i can find the place to associate myself with you.

Whether my boobs are big or small or i am fat or thin..I am still happy with myself. No matter what i do or how i look, it is none of your concern because i am not your girlfriend, so why not you go scatter back and keep your comments for your girlfriend and leave me alone.THANK YOU.

An eye opener

Today was a great eye opener for me..
I once was quoted saying.."Malaysian celebrities thinks that their big
shots but the truth is no one asks for their autograph when they walk
around because to our eyes they are nothing but to their eyes their on
top of everyone.SNOBS!"

However, today was different. Thanks to principles of interviewing class..
Our task was to interview a celebrity..At first i choose to interview a dude whose obsessed with himself, no time management and a FFK king...who thinks he is Malaysia's hot celebrity..LOL..I mean
honestly, who does he think he is, he hasn't appeared on any movies in the
cinema. And still he gives that DIVA attitude.

So, i then resorted to Lum Tuck Weng a.k.a Jack Lim. Mom knows his wife, so
she helped me set up an interview with them. Honestly, they were the nicest people..
and to imagine that i forgot to take a picture with him as evidence that i did
my work, i was so embarrassed and i didn't dare to call him back after i left
the cafe. To my amazement, he actually called me back and told me.."i think you
forgot to take a picture.(in cantonese of course.)"

I went back and took a picture with him (while he was eating and he got up immediately and swallowed his food so he wouldn't keep me waiting.)
I thanked him profusely and he just told me,
i didn't study much and i hope other who have the privilege to do so can excel. Whether it was from the heart or not, he can choose to not do the interview after rushing from his meeting, but yet he did and he spent almost two hours talking to me.
I guess i always kind of liked him when i saw him in those old HVD dramas, in the movie Ah Long and Love matters. And boy, i was kind of glad that i was his fan cause he didn't disappoint me at all.

I really couldn't digest why they were so obliging, sincere and nice.They even showed me a video of their baby boy, Lucas at 6 months saying his first word "papa" and at 7 months.."daddy"!I guess lil'll Lucas(who looks like a mixed chinese baby and is so dam adorable) inherited daddy's genes and mommy's good looks. He gave me really personal information including on how he proposed to his wife, his past and so much more.

In Malaysia, when you're a celebrity no one recognizes you, but i am so dam sure many chinese people recognize him especially when he has appeared in two of Jack Neoh's great movies.

He even told me that he took in the english name Jack because he was a Jack of all traits and a master of nothing. He had a very bright personality despite his tired face after a long day of work and i know he is the kind of person who never gives up. Nine years being in the entertainment industry, he made his grand entrance on the tenth year with the great support of his wife and he is still going dam strong after 16 years.

I just realized, it's their great humble and sincere attitude that brings them prosperity, happiness and love.





One of the nicest celebrities i know, this includes Miss Chinese International Pageant Malaysia 2007 or 2006 (i think), Annabelle Kong

Ps:And to whom it may concern, i've got my interview with a renowed MALAYSIAN REAL CELEBRITY and for you, I HOPE YOU FIND HUMBLENESS SOMEWHERE CAUSE BEING 30 AND CAR-LESS + A CELEBRITY IS SO NOT COOL. LET'S HOPE YOUR CHEAP HAIR CUT AND MOVIES WILL BRING YOU SOMEWHERE BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO ATTITUDE AT ALL. YOU'RE JUST A SHELL
AND YOU DON'T NEED AN EXTRAORDINARY PERSON TO KNOW YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST SO PREDICTABLE. "CELEBRITY" STATUS SWELLED UP YOUR HEAD SO BIG THAT YOU CAN'T LOOK FURTHER THAN YOUR NOSE NO MORE.

Two things that annoyed me.

Two things i hate today..
Diva's.
Let's say..
you're a local celebrity..
you walk around and no one notices you..
people don't want your autograph
and if someone say..hey..it's..what's his name??
The other will go..what..who?He is a celebrity?
So to whom it may concern,
When people treat you as a celebrity,
They are doing you a favor because..
they recognize you as a celebrity..
to make you feel better so that you won't
feel that your cheap TV programmes and 50 dollars
haircut is a waste.You just pissed off the bitch in me!



Dindran just sent me this link..
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7021723.stm

it says..Beyonce cancelled coming to Malaysia..i think it was a while ago..
but that's not my point..check the dress codes of Performers that come to Malaysia..even Indonesia a muslim country doesn't have that...:

Stefani wore sober outfits at a show in August, calling it a "major sacrifice".

She put jackets over her tops and leotards underneath her skirts and dresses, to conform to the guidelines during the concert.

Official guidelines about performances in Malaysia state that female artists must cover up from the top of the chest to the knees.

Performers are also forbidden from jumping, shouting or embracing members of the audience.

Anyways...
I don't know if this is the present or past.
my point here is..Performers are meant to have outrageous
outfits. That's why there is a term for these outfit..and it's
called performing outfits!duh!

A new step.

Let's say..i had a relapse..but i didn't give up..
I'm still going strong..
I started something new. Badminton. After 6 years.
You see..i barely exercise..ask me to take jog..i'll walk
and sit every 5 minutes..ask me to go to the gym..i'll stay in
the steam room for an hour..ask me to dance..i'll go for a dance
or two and forget the rest..ask me to do yoga..and you'll find me asleep
in less than 5..I know it's factual that i am lazy..i don't have much determination..especially when it comes to exercising alone.But...
It was a good feeling to really sweat it out..I exercised my laughter..'cause it was hilarious and my body..
I fell a zillion times..my legs were wobbly cause i played from 10.30
to 1.00 with only a 1 minute break for water every hour.
My arms are aching as i'm typing..i'm tired..my legs hurt from cramp..
silly ol' me didn't do any warm up since the last time i excercised (besides
shopping) was last year. Shoulders..well..needless to lsay..aching..the thighs..
must i say more..hmmm..I hate the way my body feels now..but..i love it too..
it hurts..but it tells me something..

If i fail today,try again tomorrow,
but don't give up..and that's a rule.

and i want to add something else to this rule of mine..

because one day, you know you'll succeed.

She had a dream

She had a dream. She couldn't sleep.

She became Fat.Too Fat to Live.

This girl.

Once upon a time,
there was a little chubby girl.
She grew up in a world, where people
loved to pinch her face, hug her and kissed her.

As she grew, so did her chubbiness.Unlike before, people
didn't love her as much. She was such a big frumpy thing who was
such a clumsy bumsy that would either break things or hurt people
when their playing because she doesn't know her strength.

She one day realized that every time in swim class, she was the last. In gym
class, she was the last. When playing catching, she would always
become the catcher (basically who gets caught becomes the catcher)
and no one would replace her.

When she was 10, it was then did she understood that FAT means UGLY.The first person who told her she was Fat was her aunt. The second, her mom.
She was called Fat, teased at school and home. Her sisters made her run around and chase them because they knew she couldn't run. She noticed too, that she was bigger than her sisters in every way, some friend even called her a Transvestite because she was big bone(big bone comes from excessive food consumption since a young age) Given rude remarks from family members,"you should give some food to your sisters, their so thin..you're too fat...you can't catch me 'cause you're too FAT!...She's so round..." It pierced her heart.

She brushed it off as daddy hugged her and said, these are baby fats. It'll
go away. At 13, the rude remarks became more hurtful. Mom often reminded her on the way to loose weight, what to eat and so on. This made her even more sensitive. Then, she decided to go through,PROJECT DIET.

She went on project diet for years. Trying not to eat,to not eat rice, to drink
only soya bean, to consume only water, all which showed results but she was too
blind to see. As the years passed, she grew normal, thinking she was still fat,
she carried on. Mommy saw the problem and tried to rectify the damage done since 8 years old. But it was too late.

When she was 18, the years of project diet turned health hazardous. She was not
only boobless, she grew lumps too. She underwent two surgeries before she turned 20 which left a deep scar.

However, the only scar that she remembers, is the scar FAT. Up to today she believes that she is fat though all says she's thin. She can't control what she thinks and how she thinks of herself. The word FAT breaks her heart. Sometimes she feels like she's drowning in her own imagination. She wants to believe she's not fat, but she just don't know how. She regretted project diet as she was teased with something new. "Airport" because she was boobless.

People thinks she wants attention by calling herself fat, little do they realize that she lost her self-esteem in the battle of self recognition.I know this girl.

Project Renewed

It ain't easy when you're hooked for years.
It's basically the air you breathe..your desert
after your meal,your food when you're hungry,
your aspirin when you have a headache,your sponstan
when it hurts, your anti anxiety when your stress...

But if you failed today..
Try again tomorrow.
But don't give up,
'cause that's a rule.

and there goes another day

Went out with the girls today..
(Christie, Avril, Jade and Joseph chau ah gua)..lol
Went to Kim gary..had ouR bities and a whole delicious
deserts for our ears..Gossip..Well..as we chatted away..
my throat felt that it was being cut by a blade everytime i
swallowed my saliva..it was as if my saliva was big piece of
large sharp rock cutting the sides of my throat as it went in..
Pain...It's been..six days..i feel like..definitely not a new improved me
(or maybe not now) As disgusting as the taste of ciggies were with it's bitter taste tingling on your taste buds and also the stench that followed u everywhere..I longed for it.I decided to take a stick then..You see..i'm the kind of person with 0% determination...as i reached out for it..Jade shook her head and gave me that look..you know..the kindda look ur mom gives u when u're doing something wrong..Yup..Jade gave me the mommy says no look.I thought for awhile and my hands fell back onto my lap.Haihzz...I've been fagging away for 8 years..things became serious after i joined IACT..i would smoke 2 big packs a day.it sucked.it made me broke.Joining SEGi wasn't as bad as IACT..i didn't smoke as much..but...i couldn't live a day without at least a stick. Honestly..i wished i hadn't started because stopping makes me agitated..hungry..fat..sick and depressed..

Anyways..we went shopping too..i bought a bag i have longed for for 3 months..a charles&keith black bag..I LOVE IT so much and i don't regret buying it..and i bought two tank tops from top shop from the birhtday voucher amanda gave me..in total i spent..RM 158.40..hehe..but Avril spent more than RM500.00...lol..crazyness..all in one day...lol..Well..i received a call from a fren who told me i have MUET exams tomoro!WTF....dam SEGi!!SEGi MANAGEMENT SUCKS..LECTURERS SUCKS..(EXCEPT A FEW) ADP SUCKS..LIFT SUCKS...WHY CAN'T THEY BLOODY HELL INFORM PEOPLE..CURSE THEM!

Irony

It was so simple to lift a stick..
So simple to like it's sickening smell..
So simple to be addicted...
I looked back..
8 years...
Now..it's so hard to put this stick down,
So hard to forget its smell..
So hard to breathe without it..
I feel..
I'm succumbing to it..slowly..
It's calling my name..
Just one last time...
I close my eyes..and walk away..
and wonder 'bout
the irony of life.

What do i call you?

Sometimes i wonder,
What do i call you?
Who are you?
Where did your heart go?

You were someone you made me think you were.
But it's changed.
You were really who i knew you were.
For 22 years.
You are the image i have in my head.
*Sadness*

You remind me of..

You sometimes remind me like the witch in our
princess cartoons..

cruel.jealous.selfish.

I wish you could change.

Tsk Tsk Tsk..Boredom Strikes again..

Well well..
I am really bored..probably cause class is twice a week..haihzz..
I wish i had more classes..honestly..i wouldn't feel so lazy..
IACT IACT..why didn't you have a local degree plan..SEGi SEGi..
why must you be so sucky..aihzzzz...Well..i just realized that i
spent hell a lot of time on facebook...NOPE!Not uploading pictures..
NOPE!Not checking people's picture out...NOPE!Not doing quizes...

I do what my students do..my students include...12...9...and 5....
Pet Society..Barn Buddy and...my latest gaming habit...Animal Ranch..

I realized..being bored makes these LAME GAMES an obsession..haihzz..
I feel so obsessed that I have to call Jade up at 11ish in the night to
harvest my plants for me..but she was in MC D...and after that i called Christie
to harvest my plants...but she was in Pyramid..going to M.O.S...and so..OMG..
I called my 12 year old student..tsk...am i really that obsessed??Aihsss...
*blushes**memalukannya....

Lol..but sometimes these games are so cute you can't resisit..Well..with me constantly uploading my blog...(twice a day)..even i myself can tell i'm super bored and lifeless..dam..i need a life...SEGi..i'll give you 10,000 if you'd let me graduate..i need to get a JOB! I can't stand being like some lazing around the house..doing nothing..i DUNWANNA BE USELESS...maybe i'll bake a cake...hmmms....




The games is sadistic..but the animals are cute..

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I love me cHicken..

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My dream roomiee..

I 520 SHOES!

Ok...I'm bored..sitting in front of the comp..doing nothing..but when i turn behind..i look at my shoe cupboard...and out of boredom..i started taking it out one by one..1..2..3...40...44...and that is excluding my flats and slippers downstairs..but i doubt it made up to 50 pairs..or maybe just touching 50pairs..

Shoes are my greatest love in the fashion world..nope..not tops..dresses nor bags..it's shoes..i love shoes like their some kindda gem stone or something..I wish i had more though..I wonder when this infatuation for shoes came,but i do remember wearing my first heel when i was 14 years old...from then on..i love heels..

However, as i grew more mature through out the years..my back grew weaker and older..I often had to endure the back aches and only later did i believe my mom that it was due to heels. I never liked flats..till my baby bought me this yellow simple looking flats. Not only was it comfortable but it suit me very well. I decided then..heels aren't everything and decided to go with flats too.It is in a way a good thing and a bad thing...good thing my back doesn't ache so much and i am not super vain that i have to wear heels everywhere i go to make myself taller...because baby is happy with me and wants me to be happy with myself..it's true sometimes..simplicity is beautiful...and sometimes i feel wearing heels make me look a tad overdress..and taller cause i am not that short..but i feel short..lol..irony of life..however, it increased my infatuation for flats too..which means..more shoes.haihzz...which = BROKE.

But i guess...this infatuation is better than people who spend on diamond and gold.I am not denying my passion for shoes..but i certainly don't consider myself a shoe-a-holic. It's just a hobby. A pair a month isn't that bad.=)

You are Impossible

She was the closest to me..
whatever she did mattered to me...
Whether she's sick or sad it breaks my heart..
So many years it's been like that..
despite how she betrayed me once upon a time..
no matter how emotional she gets with me i forget..
annoyed a while but the heart softens with her words..
But then, enough is enough..
I tried my very best to help you up..
Go through shit with you and all..
But you acted like a princess..
Like i owe you or something..
I'm not denying the good things..
But bad does overwrite the good..
You are impossible.
Wait.

I feEl..

In the past events of painful emotions..
i feel absolutely strong..however..

the decisions i made proved to be very impulsive i guess..
through the events of dramas in my life..i lost friends..gained friends...
and many more...who is to blame? We will never know...

Sometimes you don't know whether your actions comprehend your feelings..
do they telly? I don't know honestly..I wish life was simpler..but then again..if it was
we would never grow up wouldn't we?

I just want to look forward..never turning back and smile in the future..you can never
be too sure if the decisions you make is right..but it's always good to look forward...forget about
whatever that happened..and smile..forgiveness is stronger than anything.

R.I.P Kitty

Many a times,

People around me have said.."caress...drive slowly..."
Even though a massive accident...yet i am still...a reckless
driver..there was once upon a time i was speeding..when
i saw a dog..i choose to go up to the divider then to hit the dog..
(it was a housing area..)

However..today...08.08.2009...at about 8.20 p.m...i was speeding on Kesas highway..
driving on the fast lane..with my lil'll car...with a car behind..
(tiong-ing me..a.k.a following me closely..)out of no where..a white thing..which i thought was a paper..flew across the road..before i could react..the white thing i saw..was a lil'll white cat..or a kitten..i braked..but as i saw the car behind me almost hit me..i tried to move to the middle lane but there was a car there...i had no time..and i ran over the cat. Yes, i do hate cats..but i wouldn't want to kill all of the cats. God created them for a reason, and who the hell am i to take their life away. A heard a sound.."dubb....dissssshhh.." as the cat went under my car. They say cats have nine lives..but in this situation..I knew for sure..it would have smashed under my the fast speeding car tires.

People around me told me that it wasn't my faut..but i do feel selfish because i rather kill kitty then to sway the car and get into an accident..is this human instinct? I don't know..but i feel selfish..very selfish..the cat is a life too! SHIT!

For awhile my legs went numb..immediately i called Christie..and i cried..Christie told me to meet her at Tanjung..the shell station there to wash my car..I did...She accompanied me...
On the way to Tanjung..I couldn't help but cry as i was talking to turtle..after hitting the cat..the whole time i was driving at 50km/h..I guess to some it's no biggie..but to me it was. I killed a living thing. MY WRECKLESS driving and MY DRIVING ATTITUDE caused the death of a cat. If only i would've driven slow enough, i could've avoid it..It's always..IF ONLY...I'm sorry kitty..i knew it was only trying to get to the other side of the road...haihzz..

Chee li followed my car home..when he was on the way home..he saw the dead kitty...='(
I know to many it isn't a biggie..seriously..but to me it is..All i can wish is kitty lives well in Heaven..I'm sorry kitty...Rest in Peace...


.

R.I.P Kitty.

Boredom Strikes

Jade says..."curry..holidays adey..."
yes...i said i would blog during the holidays..I just don't have the "semangat" to sit down
and type.."today....i went to..bla bla bla.." But yes..it has to start like that.."Yesterday i went to summit...with jade....we had our one month long-fasting-broke period of subway..FINALLY!! We actually had to go NO SUBWAY-BROKE period thank to the DUMASS bf's of ours...because both of their birthday falls on JULY...lol..Shits..we didn't take a picture..lol...how can i blog when all are words and no pictures...=_=' it becomes BORING...JADE..the next time we go bowling..it's with camera's ok..CAMWHORING..lots of it..

Yes..Let's update events on 2009...last two sems ago..whether you call it summer, fall..or whatever..we tOok photography class...i was in the same group with christie..and boy did we take some awesome possume gruesome pictures...
Ps: BLOOD LOOKS FAKE..lazy to put black and white..=p


Screw la..duno how to adjust the pictures properly..ish..nvm..leave it like this..lol..
THere JADE..the first update page in months....hehe

Well...my favourite photography picture is...

I guess to me..this isn't just a plant coming out from the whole of a wood..but rather it brings deep meaning to me..how a smal simple plant like this fights for its right to live..yet humans give up on life so easily...Plants have worries like us humans too..they can't protect themselves..and like this plant..it can be plucked out anytime..yes us humans..have the chance to protect ourselves..all we do is..give up...

What goes around comes around*

I wonder sometimes..if there is justice in the world..
My bitchiest auntie is getting married to a man that she says look like george clooney but in actual fact looks like your average mamak guy..but..he's rich..=_='
..that money-iser woman...tsk tsk tsk....
I never really hated her..i kinda liked her anyways...untill....

*Flashback*

I lost my grandmother before chinese new year, and my bitchy auntie
trying to show how "EMOTIONALLY HURTED" when in actual fact she told my mom
via sms to "LEAVE MOTHER IN THE HOSPITAL AS LONG AS YOU STILL CAN. HER TIME IS UP ALREADY.." yes of course she says that..cause she conned my grandma into signing over the house, property and jewelry over to her while my grandmother was under the influence of medication..(till my grandma died, she still believed the house was under her name+she wanted to give the house to my oldest uncle's son because my oldest uncle passed away..)WHAT A BLOODY CONNIVING B&*^H!

She even tried to save up on the funeral..via cremation which my grandmother has specifically told her and my granddad that "popo"(grandma) wanted a burial..you see..she was admitted to the hospital for over a week and through out the time we were accompanying her..she mentioned several times that she wanted to be buried..she's afraid of fire..thank god..we fought hard enough for granddaddy to agree with us..(small auntie listens well to granddaddy cos..1.he's sober..2.super dam rich..)My mom and small auntie has not spoken ever since po-po's death because we felt the fakeness in her..i can tell you..i do sympathise with her because she has no idea tha what goes around comes around..the way she treated popo was overboard..plus..my big auntie is also a biatch...

I realized all they can see is money..popo was in and out of the hospital so many times..but the ones who really took care of her was my god mother..(3rd auntie) and my mom..and the only grandchildren who looked after her were the three of us(my sisters and i)..I sometimes wonder..during her younger days..she Looked after 5 children and a husband (who used to abuse her) and as a grandmother..she has 11 grandchildren..and she looked after us very well..but when she fell sick..no one would even look after her..she was like superwoman..i just don't understand why some people don't have any compassion..kindness and love.Furthermore, to think that when popo had all her money intact with her..everytime she was ill she was sent to a private hospital...once my auntie took everything..it was a government hopsital..those you pay RM1.00 a day!

wELL...ALL I CAN SAY.WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND BITCH!
.
Ps: She always reminded me of ursulla..a fat witch who thinks she is hot!

A lil'll note to tell you i miss you..

In the early morning before sunlight blinds my eye,
I lay awake to a dark surrounding,
Making out the images i see,
I find myself gazing at the room of four walls,
Thinking to myself, has a new day come? *sighz*
Shouldn't i be happy?
It's not easy when bitterness filled with misses circulates the heart,
Another day without you is harder than i expected,

I now can no longer shout to you, "Ah-Mak..i'm here.."
Funny i called you so but it made me closer to you..
I would feel you when i whispered in my heart,
As if you were alive, still breathing and holding my hand as we talk,
Sitting in front of the TV as you clueless-ly look
You still turned to smile as you had company,

I had a lil'll dream of you..
I dreamed of the great person you were..You were..
The wife of a man who showed no compassion,
The daughter in law of a woman who broke your spirit,
The mother of six whom you bore, cared and loved unconditionally,
The woman who tore your bare hands to feed your children,
The pillar who swallowed all pain and sufferings yet smiling as all were good,
The grandmother who loved, pampered and cared,
The person whose heart was as gold that helped many...

In the end you became old, frail, sick and penniless..
By this time you were a mother who was hurted and shown no compassion,
Your spirit was broken before you could pick it up..
And soon you became too tired of fighting..you gave up but...
With a smile that whispers to those who loved you, "I'm alright.."
I still wonder why a person with your kindness had to go through all these pains..
Despite all you've given..
One who bore,cared and loved six,
but six who couldn't care and love just one of you,
You were like an angel who never shed a tear,
Who only wanted the best for your bundle of joys,
and so to theirs too,

Loosing you is painful but for the best,
No longer do you have to go through scornful words that broke your heart,
Bitter medicines that made you loose your taste buds,
Painful jabs that left marks on your frail body,
Treatments that weakened you...

I truly believe now you are finally home,
In heaven where you belong,
Free from pain and suffering,
Singing the sweet songs with the angels,
Looking from above as you protect us like you have always,
You were a great woman,
An understanding wife,
A loving mother,
The perfect woman...
You have always been and will always be..
Memories of you wonders around us to remind us of the beauty you have created.

Fragile Moments

When a person dies,
the deceased no longer suffers but rather the living suffers,
memories of the decease sometimes becomes very vogue,
but this doesn't' mean the person is forgotten but work
somehow makes drowning sorrows easier...
Sadly when work disappears,
celebration comes,
presence is missed..
Accepting that your loved one is no longer there is what's hardest.
You pray to God wishing that he would just give it one more time..
but you know that one more time will never happen...
and even if there was a one more time..
it will never be our last as we would never want to let go...
When one says let go,
it's never possible as the sweet memories lingers within your heart..
you can never let go of a person but you can accept that they are no longer there..
however, accepting is hard..almost impossible..
but if souls do exists..i know it would hurt you to see us suffer as we miss you..
I can try to accept..but...
Letting you go is impossible,
forgetting you is never..
loving you is forever..

Missing you

I often hear the whispers of your sweet words,
The way you use to tell me what’s right from wrong,
Slowly caressing me as the baby I was,
Humming your sweet songs good night,
Sitting back makes me miss you more than words,
A drop of joy exists only because we know you no longer suffer,
But the thought of you gone makes the happiness disappear,
The emptiness from your presence makes forgetting you impossible,
The beautiful person you are inside out,
Makes the heart bleed as you no longer breathe the same air,
I just wish there was more I could do when you were here,
I do wonder now,
Where are you? Is it beautiful? What are you doing? Who’s looking after you? Do you still remember us?
I wish I could see you just one last time,
But I know there will never be a last time,
Cause I can’t let go,
I just wish you could come back,
Tell me it’s all okay,
Tell me that you’re happy,
Give me one last hug,
But I know the last will never end,
When I lay down at night,
I close my eyes and see your playful smile,
The way I had to force you to eat your fruits or your medicine or vegetables,
Even if I had to do it all over again I would,
Even for a hundred times,
If only it was possible,
I should’ve known you were going,
Being a fool of ignorant,
I didn’t see it coming,
If only you were a painting, i wish i could paint you back to life
Now I’m only left with a memory of you,
And that memory I will carry forever,
Loving you forever my dear Po-Po.

Irony

Chinese New Year,
always the best time to of the year to celebrate...
cash, gambling and great food...

I was always looking forward for this time of the year..
It's better than Christmas i thought to myself...

But this year,
it's different...you're not here..
that smile to greet me at the door is no longer there...
all that's left are the memories of you,
the kindness in your face,
the love that you spread around with your presence..
is no longer here.

NOW...
it's not the same without you,
I miss you, can you hear me?
I want you back...do you know?
Hold my hand, smile as we eat, laugh as we joke,
just one more time.

Entering what was suppose to be your house..
now filled with a bunch of fakers who have robbed you of your wealth,
Strain you through your health and broken your spirit as you lived..
yet, with your kindness when you were breathing you forgave them..
you swallowed the pain and gave us your best.

You were the best of everything,
you were the perfect figure of man kind,
though anger fills my heart when i see those who have hurt you,
i find it easy to forgive now,
through the kindness you have shown,
the love you have shared,
the power you have given,
you thought me how to forgive,
how to live a beautiful life,
how to love and how to appreciate,

It's so hard to forget that you're gone,
feeling that you're still there,
living with us,
breathing our air,

Your absence have thought me how to live,
how to grow from where i am,
how to be beautiful inside.

Though missing you every moment causes my heart to bleed,
I still want to as it has given me the courage to do many things,
To be that beautiful person that you are,
To love and not to hate,

I don't want to forget you.